They say, “It takes a village to raise a child!”

Like many modern couples, my husband and I had decided how our lives were going to be, how we would share household responsibilities equally after getting married, and how we would follow equal shared parenting. Then we actually got married and we quickly realized that in spite of the fact that we loved each other so much, we were two different personalities, raised by completely different families.

My husband’s family has very traditional values. My family is also traditional to some extent but my parents are open-minded and ready to adapt to change. I have been given much more freedom to express myself and to make my own decisions than my husband.

As is the case with most children, they differ a bit from their parents. S (my husband) is more progressive than his parents but there is an invisible thread that has tied him to his roots. I have inherited hot-temper from my family. If we both decide to stick to our family rules and values, it will become a huge cultural clash. Being completely different from each other has helped us evolve as humans. But when it comes to our darling A, we can’t help but give our own opinions.

I never had to work in the kitchen before getting married, but I started learning it after moving to Mumbai for work. Neither S had any experience of cooking and managing the house as he is a sailor. But we were both managing it somehow because there was nobody to judge us. Everything changed after A (my daughter) entered our lives. We moved in with his family and the household chores were never-ending. S was hesitant to offer any help and that was something I never imagined him to do. Endlessly working with a three months old baby still feels like a nightmare. One day I gathered all the courage and spoke about it. If only I knew it was so simple! My husband started taking the load of his share. He did everything he could; he fed A, changed her diapers, helped me shower her, made breakfast for us, and sometimes accompanied us when A refused to sleep at night (and when he didn’t, he made sure I at least get afternoon nap). He, who never spoke for himself, spoke for me with his family. S is still doing everything of it and I am sure he will continue sharing his bit.

My MIL and I have a decent relationship but there are a few things we don’t like about each other. (P.S. we never fight or it’s not that we hate each other – this needs to be mentioned as a lot of my relatives will be reading this!) I feel it is pretty awesome that A has loving grandparents (his parents & my parents) around, just like how I had! They take extra care of her (or should I say spoil her? :D).

Okay, so now that I have a family to share my household responsibilities and a husband who shares most of the responsibilities that came along A, do I get enough time for myself? Well, I do get some time and that’s how I am able to read and write. But it is not enough. I get only 10% of the time for myself than what I was getting before A. As you know, S is a sailor. He recently has signed in, hence I again will be playing the role of a single parent for the next six months. I might have to compromise on my career. But someone has to take the load. Equal shared parenting cannot be always 50:50. It will fluctuate; rather it should fluctuate. Some days she will take the load and other days he will take the load. But the overall parenting should be equally shared.

So, the lesson I learned was – Ask for help. You can’t be a supermom. That’s not possible. You have to take out some time for yourself. No one can work 18 hours a day! Tell the people around you when you are tired or not feeling well or maybe just not in a mood to do anything. There’s nothing wrong with asking your own family’s help. Especially, in an Indian joint family, we must include all our family members in equal shared parenting. Again, as they say, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Then why not put that entire village to work?